A letter to parents …

As your child approaches the teen years, memories of your own middle and high school years emerge. You may remember spending hours with neighborhood friends when your parents had only a rough idea of where you were, walking home from the bus stop or school with all the other neighborhood children, watching TV (of which there was nothing more explicit than PG-13 on before 9 pm). Your parents probably knew your friends and even knew their parents. And much of the time, you saw your parents in the morning and not again until you had dinner together in the evening, with no communication in between.

Times are different in so many ways — technology and social media dominate our lives and our teen’s lives. Many conversations take place through screens whether we’re miles, or merely feet, away from one another. We walk less and ride more. In many ways we perceive the world to be a more dangerous place for our children than it was for us, so we keep close tabs on our children’s whereabouts either via social media or by apps that track their location. While their ability to expand their network of friends and contacts has grown exponentially, our ability to keep up with that evolution has shrunk. In fact, being a parent of a teenager these days is both daunting and humbling. But no matter how many ways in which today’s teen years look different than yours, there are several things that remain the same.

Parenting Teenagers: Puberty and Emotional Growth

First, puberty is in full swing. Their bodies are changing. Every teenager will look and sound differently at age 18 then they did at age 12. And certainly, every teen feels different about those changes. For many teens, this can be a particularly emotional period of time. For parents, this is a time to listen and validate those feelings. Offer a hug or a reminder of your unconditional love. Make it okay to be sad, mad, disappointed and short-tempered sometimes. Allowing your teen to experience a full range of emotions will set him/her/they up to appreciate those emotions in their peers and in future relationships.

Parenting Teenagers: Independence and Risk Taking

The desire for independence and exploration is grounded in adolescence. Your teen will push boundaries, take risks, make mistakes. This is not the time to fix all their problems and smooth every crack in the foundation. When safety is not an issue, allowing your teen to make some bad decisions and learn how to solve his/her/their own problems builds confidence, critical thinking skills, and resilience, all of which will be essential to continue that independence into adulthood.

Parenting Teenagers: Social Connection

Whether you were a teen last century or today you want to feel like you belong. Although teens may seek solitude and self-isolate sometimes, they all want to feel like they are part of a group. They want to be connected to others who share common interests, values or style. They’ll lose some friends, and they’ll make new ones. As a parent you can foster that connectedness by being in-tune with your teen’s social well-being. Teach your teen how to engage in relationships in a safe and respectful way. This means applying a thoughtful approach to social media. Know what social media apps your teen uses, and make sure you have a shared understanding of the responsibility and expectations of using social media. Pay attention to screen time and set guidelines for reasonable use that work for your family. Encourage face-to-face contact when conflicts arise, and be a sounding board when a relationship is on the rocks.

Parenting Teenagers: Safety and Presence

Finally, as a parent of a teenager the thing you likely fear the most is for the safety of your child. The good news is that they also want to feel and be safe. The best thing you can do to foster a sense of security for your teen doesn’t cost money, isn’t exclusive, and doesn’t require any special technology. It is to be present for your teen, both emotionally and physically. Leave space for him/her/them to share experiences and emotions. Be there to help them up when they fall, and to celebrate their successes small and large.

Good luck and enjoy the journey!

Sara LP Ross, MD
Medical Director, Safe Sitter, Inc.